Friday, October 3, 2014

An Incomplete Rendering of Conversations in Utopia

My mistake Ms. According to our database, you are premenstrual. Help yourself to anything in the store, with our compliments.

I'm sorry to bother you, but the city has decided to disable this streetlight that's right across from your bedroom window. It's not at all ridiculous that you haven't just put up a darker curtain.

 The medical community would like to extend its deepest apologies for taking so long to come up with this one-dose cure for urinary tract infections. You never have to drink cranberry juice or get up to pee after sex right away ever again. We'd like to offer you a refund for the countless appointments where we suggested those strategies might actually do anything useful. We were totally bullshitting you.

Chewing ice is great for your teeth. Definitely do that as much as possible.

The rest of the Ministry and myself have decided you are eligible for a Time-Turner.

Girlfriend! Isn't it cool how now when you shave one leg, the other one is shaved automatically?

I've pushed my plate, covered with my napkin, to the side of the table.  Also, my silverware is under the napkin. Also, I am planning on finishing all the water in this glass.

There's nothing you can't text me.

Me and the rest of the men on this bus would just like to let you know that we're going to ride the whole ten minutes downtown without interrupting you or interacting with you in any way whatsoever, starting now.

This is the funniest and deepest horror novel ever written. You'll have to come and visit me and Tabitha sometime.

I've communicated with all the other yoga teachers and we've agreed to never use the word 'yummy' ever again.

We've decided you can wear whatever you want to work.

Wake up honey! You were just having a nightmare about student loans. Those were universally forgiven years ago, remember? Shhhh, I'll hold you while your in-house sauna heats up.

I love how you called it "Slouching in Brooklyn." and it does brilliantly and heartbreakingly surpass my own writing about New York City while still honoring me as an influence.

Tell me more about your horoscope.

I've installed this camera in your mirror for when your hair looks really incredible right before bed.

You look so much prettier when you've spent exactly as much time as you need applying make-up and selecting your clothes in order to express outwardly the beauty and art of your continual and noble work on your innermost self.

In fact, just chew ice instead of flossing.


  1. Amazing. This is essentially a New Yorker "Shouts and Murmurs". Are you submitting !?!?

  2. :-)
    a great pair of the previous essay!
    for me: after the weekly serious self-reflection (+over-shrinking the ego) : what a relief to have a glimpse emotionally into the world of "Life in general" as is caught going outdoors again and again shabby haired and in very wrinkled payamas...

  3. I love this. I don't know you, but I thoroughly enjoy reading what you write. Keep on doing what you do because it's damn good.